Seek trust. Trust is the most fundamental basis of love; it ensures that the relationship stays strong. Trust has to be earned so that lasting trust can be established; it is not something that can be taken for granted just because of who you are or what you claim.

True lovers give and receive trust. While trust can be scary, only by opening yourself to love (and thereby becoming vulnerable and "trusting" that the other person will not hurt you) can you truly see the beauty of another person inside you To let the world see. This is a feeling that lets you close your eyes and know that someone believes in you and will catch you if you fall. In other words, when you feel complete trust, you can feel complete love.

On the other hand, "Suspicion is never part of true love. Henry Stimson once said," The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him "- remember that suspicion cannot hold a love relationship together for long. If you find suspicions and lies based on a relationship with a person, it is a falsification of love.

Understand that love always protects. When you love someone, you open your heart and they become important to you. You “want” to stay connected. Anything that affects the other person will affect you too, even if all you can do is offer your shoulder to cry on or be someone that the person can exchange ideas with. The slightest pain and anger from the person you love worries you, but you also know that your love is strong enough to help and protect the other person - you just have to be there for him or her.

Love lets you become protective without your interference or control - you want to help when you can, be there when you need to, and help guide the person to avoid undesirable results, for people who are still are in the learning phases of their lives. Love makes you wake up at 3am to pick up your exhausted kids from the party instead of letting them go home alone; Love leads to you dropping your big pile of work and going home early because your spouse sounded sad on the phone; Love leads to you telling the local school that you've seen cars doing dangerous maneuvers near the school entrance where there are many children because you don't want any of the children to be injured; Love leads you to send letters to the local MP complaining about the damage that has been done to the environment in your area because you don't want your community to suffer. Love brings out the caring side in you.

On the other hand, false love shows itself through control or neglect. If one person doesn't care whether the other person is safe, healthy, or happy, then they are in a falsified relationship. False love also shows when a person simply ignores worrying signs and refuses to discuss helpful solutions because he or she believes it is none of his or her business. Here the relationship and the togetherness are pushed aside in favor of the person. Last but not least, false love also uses the forgiveness of guilt, in which the guilt and responsibility for all things always lies with others, but not with the person himself.

3

Know that love is kind. Kindness lets you see what you cannot see with your biological eyes. Kind-hearted people look at life's events with sympathy and empathic understanding. Likewise, love is kind and encourages you to respond to life with kindness and thoughtfulness.

By being gentle and comforting, and also being loving and kind to your relationships, this will help you to establish mutual respect and understanding. Each person will know that they are always being completely listened to and taken seriously.

False love, on the other hand, tends to be impatient and rude, and is always demanding and often abrupt. If there is little kindness in your relationship with another person, then there is no true love there either.

Notice that love is never selfish. Instead, love is about giving and receiving. When you love, you are unconditionally giving a part of yourself to someone else. In return, you will receive time, attention and support. You enjoy taking care of someone. You want to be there for the person you love and expect nothing in return.

The expression of your love will be different depending on your personality; each expression is unique and valuable in itself. It's not the amount or the value of love that matters, but what motivates you to do all of these.

False love, on the other hand, exists when one person always gives everything and the other person always takes everything. It is selfish when a person insists on being supported without their willingness to offer support.

5

Know that love is wise. Love may be blind sometimes, but it's never corrupt or stupid - love is a reminder of how to behave. Love helps you to obey the Golden Rule ("Treat others as you would like to be treated") that prevails in many religions and secular institutions. By showing better behavior, you are showing loving behavior by loving. Love inspires you to display loving behavior by showing it off in everything you do. Know that love is a wise approach to your life.

For some people, "a wise approach" means one based on belief, while for others it is about being a good person in a non-religious setting. No matter how you approach it, love is deeply connected with treating others right, whether they are lovers, colleagues, or neighbors.

Adulterated love, on the other hand, is not wise. She tries to limit the world to a single point of view. She does not accept the ideas and beliefs of others. She apologizes for bad behavior in herself, but demands impeccable behavior from others.

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 6

6th

Learn perseverance as a virtue of love. Perseverance is the virtue of standing and going on against things. When you truly love someone, you make a deep commitment and a very close friendship. No matter what, you will be there for who you love. That is why this person will be there for you when you need help. You will learn to understand each other even more deeply. As a result, your love grows.

Paradoxically, through perseverance, you can also learn the art of letting go: letting go of petty worries and silly concerns so that you can support the person you love and be there for their needs. Ultimately, the persistence allows you to see the loved one for who they really are, a quality that is more valuable than anything else.

On the other hand, “a lack of perseverance can be a sign of adulterated love”. A person who turns away from you when things are difficult and who refuses to support you is either a 'good weather friend' or has just pretended to love you the whole time .

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 7

7th

Know the difference between jealousy and envy as an expression of love. Jealousy and envy are closely related in meaning, but completely different as an end result. Love can be jealous at times, but it is never jealous.

Jealousy is sometimes a legitimate feeling in response to fear of losing someone you love. However, as long as this is kept under control, it is a harmless feeling. However, do not let them get stronger, like fire, it can wreak mass destruction and loss if not used properly. Only use jealousy as a force that drives you to become a better loving person.

Jealousy describes a longing to own something that has been given to another or what another has achieved. It is often felt when one is bitter and resentful because of another person's success and accomplishments. This makes you feel uncomfortable when you see the excellence or happiness of another person. This is, to some extent, accompanied by hatred and a desire to have the same benefits. Love is never jealous.

On the other hand, “false love is full of jealousy”. If you're in a relationship where competitive and outgoing are the norm, then you are not in a loving relationship. Stop wanting what other people have and start trusting what you already have and you will be able to find true love.

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 8

8th

Look for perseverance. Love is not easy to anger. She can survive times of suffering. When you truly love someone, you will learn to overcome difficult situations, even at times when it seems like your relationship cannot last. Perseverance allows you to ignore the challenges that arise when a loved one acts thoughtlessly or lovelessly. Perseverance lets you look deeper into atypical behavior, difficult attitudes and challenging transition phases. Perseverance allows you to always stand by the people you care about.

Suffering in love teaches you wisdom. It expands your understanding of how people change over time, even if it's still the same person you always loved. It teaches you to listen to your loved ones without judgment, regardless of their state of mind, cultural growth, values or principles. Love teaches you to leave people who they are instead of trying to change them. A “loving relationship is based on acceptance”.

In contrast, false love seeks to "control, manipulate, and change people." It tries to impose a preferred point of view on others and downplays the importance of diversity and difference. More importantly, false love doesn't last - when things go wrong and one point of view cannot be exercised, that relationship tends to crumble.

method

2

Learn to love

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 9

1

Use love to sneak past perfectionism. Love is often seen as "blinding". This saying exists as it suggests acceptance of a person even if they have flaws. Love is the recognition that no one is perfect and also allows one to be loved “because of” his or her shortcomings and inadequacies. Love motivates you to see the good in a person and encourage improvement.

If you expect too much and those expectations are not met, you will be disappointed. Avoid such disappointments by being resilient and flexible with loved ones.

On the other hand, “false love focuses too much on flaws and failures” and uses them as a source of control, scolding someone or being unkind to another person. False love is often linked to the condition that a person behaves in a certain way. By seeking perfectionism in yourself and your relationships, it is like finding the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - you will never get there.

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 10

2

Discover that love makes no record of wrong things, even when it has healthy boundaries. Healthy love must set boundaries to protect relationships and yourself. Healthy love begins with loving yourself (not with self-absorption) and emanates from your love for yourself.

Healthy love also knows how to forgive and move forward knowing that holding grudges is like holding coals of anger - you are the only one to get burned. "Forgiveness" is a big part of loving others, as well as letting people know where you have your limits. It is not wrong or not 'loving' for you to oppose disrespect; it is a healthy sign of self-respect and the setting of boundaries for others to learn from.

On the other hand, the "false love" "counts", by a person who often comes back to occasions where he / she has felt that you have hurt him / her or that you have hurt his / her feelings. This scoring can go back years in some individuals' relationships, and bitterness and resentment are the only things that hold them together. Such unhealthy love never learns to forgive and results in "lovers" with little or no self-esteem.

Image titled Determine Love from the Counterfeits of the Heart Step 11

3

Love even if you may lose Love never fails even when you feel it was. The end of a relationship (whether it's romantic, at work, business, friendship, etc.) can be really painful. But love is worth the effort, even if you are hurt by the loss. As Alfred Lord Tennyson said, Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. So love is about experience. You cannot close yourself off to the rest of the world, no matter how afraid you are of loss.

By opening yourself to the fantastic possibilities of love, you are also opening yourself to the beauty and wonders of this world. Sometimes it works for no other reason than the law of numbers, you will experience more love than losses, especially if you limit your understanding of love not just to romantic love, but love as a way of being and thinking on all paths of yours Looking at life.

You seriously wonder if you are crazy

A partner who abuses you emotionally will keep twisting your perception of things, your thoughts and feelings. In such a way that you increasingly lose confidence in your memory and judgment and do not recognize what he is doing. Especially when he's hurt you and you need clarification, he'll turn the word around in your mouth. He will show you that you are actually doing to him what you are currently accusing him of. Because you fear the constant stress and fear that it might leave you, you take it on yourself more and more often. Even if you don't know what to do wrong. Just to restore peace. This leads to the fact that you trust and believe yourself less and less.

2. You suffer constant shifts between heaven and hell

Manipulative people make their partners feel like the relationship is very special; an intense sense of togetherness is created in which you feel safe and in good hands. Then, apparently out of nowhere, the mood changes and suddenly you are not doing anything right in his eyes; worse: you are no longer correct. The intense closeness can no longer be found, all familiarity has disappeared; the security gone: the emotional trapdoor under you has opened.

After a period of pain and fear of loss, he turns back to you and everything seems to be fine. This change is repeated throughout the relationship.

What remains is the nagging question: is this relationship the best or the worst that has ever happened to me? This question cannot be answered for a long time.

3. You have the feeling that everything revolves around the relationship

At the beginning of a partnership it is normal to deal more with each other and less with the environment. You have to get to know each other.

Over time, things adjust themselves again: the partners adjust to each other and integrate everyday life and the environment into the new partnership. After a few months; This integration process is completed after the first year of the relationship at the latest. Not so in a partnership that thrives on emotional abuse. If you have the feeling that you are always occupied with your partner and their concerns and that prevents you from doing things that have always been important to you, it suggests that your partner and the relationship require a lot more attention than it is good for you.

4. Your other relationships have deteriorated

Do you hardly have time for friends or family? Do you avoid contact with your best friend because your partner refuses? Or because you're worried she might realize that something is wrong with your relationship? Do you cancel meetings because you are afraid that he will react angrily; or because you look bad?

When you realize that you keep a lot secret; Sometimes you even hide from your surroundings, then something is going on in the relationship that consumes you beyond any healthy measure.

5. Somehow it's always your fault

Manipulative people have underlying feelings of guilt that they are mostly unaware of and for which they accept no responsibility. They pass on their own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority to their partners. You feel kept small; not enough.

The partner who abuses can hurt, be unjust, emotionally abuse, cheat or otherwise behave inappropriately: it is always the other.

If a manipulative person has hurt, he or she will not take responsibility for it either, but will accuse the other of exactly what he or she screwed up.

6. Self-esteem is waning

Emotional abuse and instrumentalization create immense psychological stress. Children who were previously severely traumatized, in particular, find themselves in a perceived battle for survival as adults: suddenly everything is at stake. In this survival mode, you are hardly able to feel yourself in the subtleties that give you orientation: the inner voice, the small impulses that signal that something is wrong. Instead, our attention goes outwards. And what happens? We try to regain our grip on the other and do what he or she asks to stop this terrible stress. This is how we serve and satisfy the other, however absurd his demands may be. We apologize for things we didn't do; just so that the strife will end and the other will be fine again. We do this in our emotional distress against better knowledge and against our will. These mechanisms increasingly destroy our self-esteem.

7. You feel like you are crying for both of them

Emotional abuse arises from the need to transfer unconscious pain to others. You can tell whether you have suffered such a transmission from the fact that you are often very injured and then repeatedly go into a state of psychological shock. Severe psychological pain ensues for hours or days. If you've ever had the feeling that you are suffering for two, that you are crying with the other's tears, then believe yourself. Because it's true. Transmission feels like this.

8. What you do is never enough

If your partner has just revoked your status as the most special-woman-he-ever-had, you will notice how you are constantly busy thinking about how you can do things better. How you can be the woman he wants. So that the criticism, the misunderstanding and the discussions about what is wrong with you stop.

You “work” on yourself and try to understand how it “works”. When you have the idea that there has to be a method; a trick with which you can deal more calmly with its toxic attacks, accusations and subtleties; so that you care less, then you are in the middle of emotional abuse. A healthy relationship doesn't do that to you.

If you know that, then someone is making it clear to you that you are never enough; that you are not rich as a person and that your performance is not good enough. And that you can't really be with you at all.

You can't operate or handle it. It is not intended; whoever has to get rid of unconscious emotional landing will hurt until it works.

Abuse is never about mutual understanding. A manipulative person is interested in the attention they get when they hurt you!

Emotional abuse is already present if one of the 8 criteria mentioned applies.

The good news is: it can be ended, even in such a way that it is never possible again. But for this the first step has to be taken - you have to recognize it and admit it to yourself.